Sometimes, I flip a bit.
This is what we say at my day job when our software doesn’t behave as expected. “It flipped a bit!” In the past year, I’ve flipped almost every bit I have – and came close to a full crash. There are so many details I want to share, but what I want to share encroaches on the privacy of others. In some cases, it would be hurtful. I considered starting an anonymous blog, but then I realized that if I have to do something in secrecy, I shouldn’t be doing it at all. What I can give you are moments, images.
A look of pure hatred from a person I wanted nothing more for than happiness and light. The choice of betrayal or jail. Sobbing in the bathroom at work when I received news that made me feel like my DNA was unraveling. The thought of stepping in front of a city bus. There was also the dry air in Las Cruces, the dust rising like ghosts down the long road on a Sunday morning. Funerals. Too many losses, one so sudden and shocking. A year spent with people desperate to save their own lives, only to end up realizing I was the one who needed to be saved.
I am the person that those things happened to, but I am not the same.
I’m better now. Stronger. Whole. I have become a prayerful person, awakened to an unending source of love. When I am walking the path meant for me, joy and kindness are what I bring. Truth is what I speak, even when it is uncomfortable. I understand that this life is an opportunity to give with complete abandon of self.
I am a happy woman, quick to laugh. I love to write. I love to read. I love to be helpful to my co-workers, to care for my husband, and to walk the dogs given into my custody. I even love Twitter, and the conversations I have with friends I may never hug because we are time zones and continents apart. I’m finding my way back to the joy. I’m planning a return to classes at the Writer’s Studio (NYC-based, but I take the online class), and would love to work and, someday, be admitted to the master class. I want to be the best writer I can be. I want to be able to move from my particular pains and into sharing the universal hope and promise. I know there are bad days (bad years!), but without all of that bad, I would never have reached the spiritual deficit I needed to experience before I could be open to another way of being. The intense experiences of 2014/early 2015 taught me that it is true: blessed are the poor in spirit.
As ever,
-aniko
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Aniko Carmean 
Sounds like it’s been quite a year Aniko!
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It really has! I’ve learned a lot about myself – and found I’m both tougher and more vulnerable than I thought. It’s so interesting, just as soon as I think I’ve got things figure out, life gives me a whole new set of challenges.
I hope you are doing well!
I miss our chats!
-aniko
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While I obviously can’t know everything that you’ve gone through, what you describe rings true in a lot of ways with my 2014, so I can empathize wholly with what you’ve been/are going through. It’s inspirational that you’ve chosen to take the path of learning from your sorrows, of trying to find the light rather than retreating into the darkness and bitterness that sometimes comes so easily (and possibly still strikes/struck me from time to time, no one is perfect). My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope that things improve soon, even if they can never be quite the same as they used to be. Sometimes that’s preferable, I find.
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Hello, Jonathan!
I have days where I don’t quite make it into the light, but so far they are isolated and not clumped together in weeks or months. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I believe that having friends who care and send out positive thoughts makes all the difference in difficult times.
May the rest of this year be tremendous and good and happy for you!
-aniko
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Flipping is a natural human reaction, Aniko – I’d be suspicious of anyone who claimed that they never flipped! It sounds like you’ve had one hell of a year. I have too, for various reasons; and, like you, my desire for privacy means that I wouldn’t want to share the details online. Clichéd as it sounds – and this may not be very helpful – I try to look on the bright side. We’ve very little choice but to carry on living, and while we’re still breathing we might as well try to make the most of it all.
This is one of the reasons why I’m so grateful that I’m able to write. Writers and other artists, by some strange alchemy, are able to take something raw and painful and awful, and turn it into something meaningful and even beautiful. Sitting down in front of the keyboard is, for me, like therapy. You said, ‘I want to be the best writer I can be.’ In a self-publishing world that often seems to be dominated by charlatans and the modern day equivalent of gold prospectors, that attitude sets you apart. We need more writers like you, so keep going!
By the way, I hope that one day, despite the continents and time zones that separate us, we will meet in person!
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My good friend, Mari, I too hope that someday we get to meet! I am sorry to hear you’ve had a rough time lately. I don’t need to know the details to know that you handled your travails with grace and courage. That is how you handle everything.
I agree that writing allows us to take the wild swings of life and turn even the most rotten experience into something that transcends. I am grateful to all of the authors that have helped me feel less alone in my darkness. It is the best magic – and the only one almost as strong as friendship!
Wishing you happiness and light,
-aniko
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Firstly: a huge koala bear hug (because everyone knows they are made for cuddling) for you my dear friend!! 🐨💛
Secondly: this is a beautiful, eloquent and courageous post to not only write but to share.
I am reminded of one of my favourite quotes:
“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” – C.S.Lewis
Aniko you are truly one of the most gentle and beautiful souls I know. Although we have not met in person, I know you because you are someone brave enough to always show your truth and bare your vulnerabilities. Some people I have met in person do not have that courage even after years of knowing them.
Your year sounds like it was a dark valley with looming mountains all around. I know what that feels like. I have had a similar experience emotionally. Our actions do not reveal us, our reactions to events, situations, people reveal our true selves. With this post you have revealed your humility, your grace and your vulnerability. You have in essence revealed your courage and cracked open your heart wide enough to show us all the fissures in your heart…that now love can flow in. Because I know you have many people, more than you might realise, who love you.
I have found there is one blessing in hardship: you find the people who truly do love you and support you in storms, rainbows or sunshine.
This world is a gentler, more beautiful place because you’re in it Aniko! The world needs you but more than that the works needs your brave words.
Thank you for this post. Because I don’t read about weakness in this post but I see a strong survivor and I see a teacher in words. This post really resonated with me as it echoed so much of my own experiences.
And yes as Mari says, everyone flips out but not everybody has the courage to say they flipped.
May the rest of 2015 be seeing you on the very top most peak of those looming mountains with the sunlight streaming down on you, looking down on that dark valley knowing you Walked it, you Survived it, you Conquered it!
Lots of love!!
x 💌
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Thank you for the kind words, Kim. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had tough times lately. It is never any fun to endure the darkness, and it never really gets “easier,” but I agree that it is the best time to find out who will really stand by you. Many, many people reached out to me after this post. Several people shared similar experiences they had in private – but they also offered hope. We’re all getting through it, and finding one another. It’s been an unexpected blessing.
I love you, Kim! Please take care & happy writing to you!!!
-aniko
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Some years are like that, but everything can and does change – nothing can remain the same in the passage of time. I am glad that you weathered this particular assault, Aniko. You deserve to do well now since you have had your share of distress. And, not least, since you are a lovely and supportive person 🙂
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Thank you, J.D.! Everyone has been very kind. I wasn’t sure what to expect, posting something so raw, but the care and encouragement sent my way have been amazing.
I can’t wait to read your book! I am in the middle of two other books right now, but soon!!
-aniko
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You learn and grow more from those absolutely crappy periods of time. They not only make you appreciate the good in life, but they expand your view of the world itself and beyond. Stay strong!
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Thank you, Hunter! There are many, many good things in life. Some days it’s hard to see, but more often than not the good far outweighs the bad.
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I’ve only just met you, but I’m happy to hear you’re finding the light at the end of a tunnel. As my mom always tells me, “This, too, will pass.” If it’s something good, then savor every moment. If it’s something bad, then take heart that things will get better.
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Your mom is wise. I am grateful to no longer be in my teens (or twenties!), when any bad thing felt like it would overwhelm the entirety of forever. So melodramatic! There are still bad days, bad weeks, even kind of rotten years, but it is true that the bad times are supplanted by good ones.
It’s been lovely getting to know you on Twitter! Thank you for stopping by the blog!
-aniko
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