My last post was heavy. It was so heavy, I almost didn’t have the strength to publish it. I feared being vulnerable. I was worried that people would be annoyed by a post that was more personal and less like a nice, safe essay. I even thought some people would be mad that I foisted my anxieties and fears on them, or disgusted that I mentioned anything to do with spirituality.
None of that happened.
Instead, the whole world reached out to me. I got thoughtful comments on the post. A friend I haven’t seen in years contacted me directly, with kindness and care. Others sent direct messages, and one lovely person even sent me a beautiful travelogue of a recent adventure. And, as if the effect of being brave enough to admit to having lived through some darkness spread beyond the digital expanse of the post, another friend who knew nothing about it chose last week to remind me she’s always here for me, no matter what. It was the best week. I felt so loved.
Thank you all for being there for me.
With love,
-aniko
Beautiful blooms near my bus stop – gorgeous as your friendship!
Aniko Carmean 
It’s not easy being vulnerable. It’s something I continue to struggle with, as if showing vulnerability is going to leave me open to attack. But your example showed that the opposite often happens. Thank you for the beautiful reminder.
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It is scary to admit that we aren’t emotional fortresses, secure against all ill winds and shattering. Someone could attack. Someone could laugh. Worst of all – it could be that no one, not one person, even cares. Those fears, in me and for me, are delusions. Okay, yes – someone could laugh at me or kick me when I’m down, but if I trust in the goodness of the people I surround myself with, those fears are foundless. Anyone who isn’t going to care, or anyone who is going to mistreat me isn’t someone I should be listening to anyhow.
The best thing about admitting vulnerability is the loss of the fear to admit being vulnerable! It’s very freeing!
All the best (and key lime pie!!) to you,
-aniko
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Aniko, your vulnerability and raw honesty make you human and loveable, not least because they’re combined with such gentleness and modesty. You’re open about your trials, but never in a shrill or self-pitying way, and that’s pretty remarkable – and brave. I’m sure there are many people who love you and will be there for you no matter what!
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I’m glad that I don’t sound shrill or self-pitying. The last couple of posts have been a departure from my normal mode of blogging. I almost didn’t publish the first post, just because it was so different and I worried about my “author brand.”
And then I wondered why I was wondering about that, when what really matters isn’t who I am as a “brand,” but who I am as an individual. I started most of my social media accounts with the idea of building my author platform. Several years down the road, and a lot of life experience crammed in that short time, and I realize that I am just me. I’m not a brand. I’m an author, but maybe I don’t have to MAKE a brand, I just have to be myself.
Thank you for writing such kind things about me, Mari!
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When reading blogs, one can nearly always tell if the person writing it is the sort of person one would count as a friend – it cuts through the natural tendency of bloggers to paint only the brightest colours. You ARE yourself, Aniko, and like many others, I count you as a friend.
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Thank you, J.D., I’m glad to be your friend!
-aniko
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